Taking a vacation
My husband and I have planned for years to take a long car trip as soon as I retire. That time is finally here as I am retiring at the end of this month. With my mother now in a nursing home I am concerned about leaving for an extended period. We will be gone about a month and I am worried that my mother won't remember who I am when I return. I have brothers and sisters who will step in during my absence but I am the primary caregiver.
What steps should I take before I leave? Do I let my mother know I will be gone for an extended period? She loves to get mail so I thought I would send her daily postcards of our travels, but didn't know if this would confuse her more.
Her current status is that she knows who we are but is surprised every day that we are able to find her in the nursing home. She does not remember that we have been there every day to see her and still asks constantly to go home. She is shifting back and forth in time, asking for her mother and father and sometimes thinks I am her mother or her sister. Since time really doesn't seem to have too big of an impact on her, I don't know if the length of time I will be gone will make a difference.
Also, I'm not sure if this is a selfish act on my part to leave. I know this can go on for years and I don't want to disappoint my husband as we have talked about doing this for years. I know these questions can't really be answered by anyone but myself, I guess I am just looking for validation.
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Hi Rahee,
One of the most important things a primary caregiver can do is to ensure that her primary family is in good control. In your case, this means your own personal health, physically and emotionally, and your relationship with your husband.
From the information on your post, it seems that your mother is unlikely to notice the specific passage of time -- and already is not too clear about your relationship to her. She knows you are related, knows you are a loved one, and knows you are dear to her and important. But she is already losing her grip on exactly who you are. That kind of thing comes and goes -- Nancy, who answered you earlier, is known to her own mother at various times as her mother, and as her daughter, depending on the day. That has been going on now for several years. So it is unlikely that a month will make any difference to your mother -- the progress of the disease is going to march forward regardless of whether you stay at home, or take your trip.
It is hugely important for you to continue living as normally as possible, because your mother is only at the beginning of her journey on this long road. Breaks will be very important for you, in order to keep your sanity.
Nancy's suggestions are good -- the post cards are a great idea, and letting family and the staff have contact information is important. Making sure everyone understands the difference between a hangnail and a real emergency is also crucial.
Enjoy the trip and if you really start to feel anxious, consider using email to get updates from your siblings. Email is great for non-emotional ways to stay in touch without all the extra feelings that come along with the vocal tones.
Keep us posted!
Ann
9/26/11 Hi Rose,
From my experiences with my Mom and all the research I have done over the years, I feel that no one goes through this dementia process in the same way. The saying "If you see one person with Alzheimer's, you have seen one person with Alzheimer's" is all too true.
Your Mother may go through this quickly. She may slow down in the dementia process and not have many changes for a certain amount of time. My Mom has had months with little or very small changes. Then, she has had some times with big changes.
I have learned that I cannot totally revolve my life around Mom. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship that is there because we make time for ourselves as well as time (as a team) to care for Mom. I cannot put my life on hold while Mom progresses through her Alzheimer's.
Just what did the nurse mean by your Mother has entered a psychotic state? What is she doing? There are many types of medications that can help calm a person who has become agitated. Finding the right one and the right dose can be a challenge. This is why it is important to find out just what type of dementia your Mother has.
If your Mother has become more agitated, have they tested for a Urinary Tract infection? Those can often increase a person's agitation if that person has certain type of dementia.
I still think you and your husband should take that long planned retirement road trip. You love your Mother very much, but you also have a special relationship with your husband. Have your time together now, because the future with your Mother may not get any easier.
Nancy
Hi Rose,
I am glad you are able to use the forum properly -- that is, to express your feelings and to share what is happening with you and with your mother -- so that you can get the most benefit.
You mentioned a number of medications in your post, many of which address the symptoms you said the nurse practitioner has talked about. I believe it may help you to know what each of them is used for. Also, be aware that the reason they keep switching may have to do with your mother's physical response to the medication, as well as her emotional response. They may be trying to avoid side effects, while maximizing the benefit. Some of them are different in their chemical composition from the others.
Keeping that in mind:
Ativan: fights anxiety, is also a muscle relaxant, sedative, and anti-convulsant
Seroquel: atypical anti-psychotic, also used as a mood stabilizer
Lexapro: treats both depression and anxiety, as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
Zoloft: treats depression, OCD, social anxiety and panic disorders
Remeron: treats depression and sometimes anxiety
Bear in mind that often a "cocktail" -- a combination of medications -- is used to address the complex constellation of symptoms that loved ones develop during the course of the disease. So it's not surprising that your mother might be treated not only with Lexapro, but also with Seroquel, or with another medication as well.
Getting the proper balance is more of an art than a science, but once it is achieved it can be very helpful. "Slipping into a psychotic state" does not have to be permanent, Rose. That kind of status comes and goes.
I agree with Nancy. Tough as it sounds, take your vacation. You're going to need it.
Ann
I had the same exact situation as rahee except it was my father who was suffering from Dementia. My husband and i decided to go away to Italy for a few weeks but i worried that my Father would forget about me or that he needed me while i was gone. Its really hard because your so far away and its hard to relax knowing that your father is back home sick.
To make a long story short, what i did was something called skype. Are you familiar with skype? Its basically a way to see and speak to your loved one through the computer which i did everyday so that my father knew that i was still around. Skype is something that i have because i speak to my family every day from Italy and its a nice way to keep in touch and see one another. But depending on what stage your mother is in, I would recommend that you get away with your husband and try to relax and enjoy your time just as long as you know that your mother has around the clock care. Good luck!
9/25/11 Hi Rahee,
It is very important to take care of the caregiver. You need to take care of yourself so that you will continue to be there for your Mother.
From all that I have read in your other postings, you are a very loving daughter who has done much for her Mother. And, as you said, we never know how long her journey will take.
Take that special vacation you and your husband have been planning. You have a very special relationship with him and need to care for it also. Go and enjoy your retirement celebration.
Your Mother may forget who you are whether you are here in the next month or not. That is just part of the disease process. You brothers and sisters will be around to care for her.
I would leave details of where you and your husband will be going in case of an emergency. May be best to stress the word "emergency" to all concerned so that you are not called about every little thing. And, let the necessary people at your Mother's facility know of your plans and who they are to contact while you and your husband are gone. You may also want to notify your Mother's doctor.
Sounds good to send the postcards. Maybe a sister or brother could read them to your Mother. It would be hard for me to say whether or not telling your Mother about the trip will upset her. Sometimes it is difficult to know how they will react to certain changes.
Enjoy you trip. Nancy